Sweet ███████

Everyone will tell you to burn her

photographs, return her gifts, ignore her, etc. That's terrible advice for your conscience and your heart, which tells you to keep talking, keep communicating, keep fighting to keep her with you. Writing journal entries about girls leaving you are introverted cliches, but it couldn't work any other way, it rings true every time you go through it. Breaking up with your first love is the hardest thing you will ever have to do.

To describe her is like trying to describe a feelign which can only be felt. Some remember displeasure, disatisfaction, whatever helps them recover from the depression of her leaving you. Not I. I remember the side of her face, how she would look out of the corner of her eyes, an infinity of lovely moments. The first semester of college was hard. Temptation, distance, uncertainy, homesickness, new surroundings. Some are nostalgic for their freshman year. Not I. It was hard, and at the time I couldn't appreciate my relationship with her. She used to cry on the phone with me, and I used to melt to it. The better man is loyal and committed, no matter how tough it is inside. The better man is patient. I didn't treat her right, of course, I took her for granted. Because I knew I hard her and she would never leave me.

The years went by, and I was lonely. She was immature at times, I wanted something more and dreamed of someone else. But something magical happened in the background and underneath it all. Some type of connection had developed, independent of lust, attraction, "love" desire, dependency and trust. It was like she became life, I became hers, we were each other, and integral to how we though, spoke, lived and hoped. I don't know what love is but I imagine it is what you make of it; hard word. I worked hard for ███████, probably not as hard as how much she worked for me. You can't just end that, certainly not with a phone call or a letter or a decision. Nothing overrides 4 years of contact and togetherness. You may think you can just say goodbye, what you feel will ultimately matter.

███████ has left me because she says it is what is needed in both of our lives. Everbody tells me it is time to move on. Like a President waiting to press the red button after the entire cabinet has agreed to drop the bomb, I stand pondering. There are lot of fish in the sea, so the proverb goes. So so so so many beautiful fish. But none like ███████. I hope one day we get back together. I think she is a wise, strong, independent, caring human being with a simple yet wonderful way of looking at life. She really loved me and then she went to college. She now wrestles with all the desires I fought off.

Earlier today she asked me if "I missed her." With my cabinet screaming in my ears to ignore her, I melted and told her the following: My Dear, I miss you more than the moon misses the sky, the waves miss the ocean, the desert misses the rain, the flower misses the sun … I don’t care what advice people give me, since you left, not a day goes by without me wishing I would have never took you for granted, and to this day I feel more attracted to you than ever, with every wickedly silly thing you do, my heart flutters, but the strength and inspiration you gave to me will far out live any stupid short term fling (which I Have yet to have). Even so, I want nothing more than to have fun with you. I hope guys are treating you like the beautiful princess you are, and deep inside, I hope you miss me too.

Tonight ███████ told me she has been dating another guy for six months. It is time for me to move on, this I realize. I will not leave crying, kicking and screaming, I will leave happy for what she brough into my life. If you are reading this ███████ I have to thank you, for giving me yourself for so long. You've left me because of temporary confusion but one day, we'll fly again. Until then, I need to meet someone else, and soon.

NJO: Originally posted on the blog Feathers of Steel at liberabit.blogspot.com.